


Tony's Toys

by AnonEhouse



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Elf, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-09
Updated: 2015-02-09
Packaged: 2018-03-11 07:51:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3319751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony the elf is allergic to magic which makes him a disappointment to his father, Howard. How can they get toys made and delivered to children without using magic? Technology is not going to cut it. </p><p>Tony's not going to give up, though. He'll find some way to make Howard proud of him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tony's Toys

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

Tony had not been kicked out, no matter what Clint said. So his toy-assembling invention had a few bugs and Howard's beard had got a little... just a little... singed. It wasn't as if the children were even supposed to see him. 

It was just that Tony was allergic to magic, so while that kiss-up Loki was spelling Howard's beard to regrow, Tony was taking a lovely, healthful walk. In the snow. In the wonderful bracing air.

Yeah. He'd been kicked out. 

All those years wasted at Mundane Inventing Toy school, the only school that would accept a magic-less elf. Tony thought when he came home he'd be the Head Elf, but his stupid allergy meant he couldn't do things Howard's way. He couldn't make the reindeer fly with magic feed corn and they objected violently when he tried strapping retro-rockets to them. Comet had kicked his ass but good. 

He couldn't read kid's letters and tell which of them were good, and which of them were bad. He tried to argue that hey, they were kids, not saints, why not just give all of them the benefit of the doubt? Howard had frowned and gave him the old lecture about Starks being made of special stuff and not letting down the standards and yadda, yadda. So Natasha did the letters. She was creepy. She knew EVERYTHING naughty the kids did, and Tony was pretty sure she spied on him, too.

All of the other elves had their talents, and Tony was fine with that, really he was. He wasn't jealous of Clint's accuracy with the paint throwing machine, or Bruce's ability to transform tiny models into full-size toys. He was maybe just a little... a tiny bit... envious of Thor's way with electric trains, but hey, electric trains! They were so cool.

Tony could make trains, if he was allowed to do it his way. So, he blew up the workshop a few times. The snow falling in through the hole put out the fire and no one was hurt. It wasn't such a big deal. It certainly wasn't enough to get him demoted to package wrapping. And when he used a little initiative and gave a few girls sets of toy soldiers instead of Little Miss Make Up dollies, he got demoted even further to tinsel making. Tinsel making was the most boring job in the world. 

Tony sighed as he approached a hole dug in the snow. "Dummy? You awake?" A black nose peeked out. Tony reached in and patted the polar bear on the neck. "C'mon out."

Dummy grunted and emerged from his den. He shook himself, and then sat down with a heavy thump. On Tony's foot.

"OW! Dummy! You, you, you are a tragedy!" 

Dummy whined and shuffled back, lowering his head and looking pathetic. Tony sighed again, and grabbed handfuls of Dummy's fur to help himself climb on the bear's back. "Since you hurt my foot, you get to carry me." Tony was among the shortest of the elves so he was hardly a burden for the bear. "Forward." The bear backed up. "No. My forward, not your forward." Dummy started walking. Tony laid back in the warm fur and looked up at the aurora borealis. "Let's go see the Pole." The Aurora was magic, like everything else, and the elves believed that if you kissed the North Pole under the Aurora you'd get your heart's desire.

Tony figured it probably only worked for the other elves, but hey, it wasn't as if he had anything better to do. 

[](http://www.ipernity.com/doc/eclectic-house/36997248)

 

Dummy stopped and sat down, abruptly. Tony had fallen asleep, and slid helplessly down to land in a snowdrift. "RUDE!" Tony said as he jumped to his feet, rubbing his arms to wipe off the snow. Dummy whined. "Oh, come on, don't be such a baby." Tony looked around. The Aurora was dimmer, but still pretty; dancing pink to red and blue to shining white. It wasn't much good as a source of illumination, though. "Are we at the Pole?" Tony fumbled his way past Dummy and found something sticking up out of the snow. There weren't any trees here, so that had to be it. "Good boy."

Tony kissed the pole and moved back to make his wish. "UMPH!" His tongue was stuck. "HMMPH!" Tony waved his arms at Dummy. "OOO OOOMMMFIN! MMM UOOCK!"

Dummy got up and waddled around Tony, whining and poking his nose in Tony's face, and then at the Pole. Then he lifted his back leg. "OOO! OOO NOOOO!" Tony squirmed around because no, polar bear pee is NOT fun. Dummy shuffled after him on three legs. The Pole moved too, falling on top of Tony and tearing Tony's tongue loose with minor skin loss. Tony yelped and stuck out his poor tongue to let the cold numb it. 

"Oh. No. I broke the North Pole. Um... maybe I could just..." He tried to pick up the Pole, but it was bigger than he was, and heavy, and it was so dark he couldn't even see where it had broken off. After a few minutes he gave up and urged Dummy to lie down so Tony could lay the Pole across his shoulders and they could take it back to the workshop. Bruce was Tony's friend, and really clever. He'd help Tony fix it and then Tony could put it back without anyone finding out.

 

Everyone was sleeping by the time they got back and the lights were turned low. The place didn't stink of magic, which was a relief. Howard's beard would be back to normal and ... oh, bother. Tony had forgot to make a wish. Well, the Aurora was still glittering a bit, and he had dragged the Pole all the way here. It was a lot warmer now. He'd just make his wish first. "I wish I could do something to make Howard proud of me." And then he kissed the Pole.

And the Pole put two arms around him and kissed him back.

"WHAT?" Tony shrieked. Lights came all all around the workshop and elves tumbled out, all helter-skelter in their long-johns. Tony blinked. The Pole. Well... "You're not the North Pole," Tony said, even though it sounded stupid.

"STEVE!" Howard ran up and grabbed the man Tony had thought was the North Pole and shook him by the shoulders. "Oh, STEVE! I've been looking for you forever!"

"Um, yeah, Howard," Steve said. He blinked his really pretty blue eyes and blushed a really pretty pink. "You know, the Winter King put a spell on me. He was jealous because everyone liked you better. But this little guy..." Steve reached out and grabbed Tony. "He broke it."

Howard looked at Tony. "You did? How?"

"With my anti-magic lips!" Tony said proudly. 

There was a moment of silence. All the elves stared at Tony. Howard sighed. "Of course you did. Good job, Tony, I'm proud of you. Now, Steve, now that you're back, you've got a lot of catching up to do!" Steve and Howard walked back into the workshop.

Tony scowled and kicked at the snow. 

"TONY!" Howard shouted. "Get in here, Steve feels a relapse!"

Tony blinked. And then he laughed and ran inside. Maybe now Howard would let Tony show how good non-magic toys could be. If not... well, kissing Steve was certainly no hardship.


End file.
